This is a repost from what my father just sent me. I’m glad he and his dog are okay, and I’m also glad he wasn’t cited in this incident:

The content of Dad’s email?

“Thought you might like to see what I do at 3:00 in the morning.”

LOL. Tough as nails. Tough as fucking nails.

Things work out if you give life enough time and something to work with.

I found out today why Wachovia (my bank from 1995 on, when they were First Union) hadn’t called me back this week regarding my motorcycle loan.

They denied it.

I had to wrest this information out from another loan officer, the lady I worked with apparently knew yesterday and didn’t contact me. She was in a conference all day today.

I had to scramble for financing less than 24 hours from when I wanted to pick up my bike. The funny thing is, a week ago I paid off, canceled, and shredded my Citibank card, which had more than enough limit to just charge the bike onto. Take that, forward thinking!

To compound the issue, my leather jacket wasn’t going to be here until Friday. I had plans to borrow Bond’s jacket, and while he is a verifiable stud, he’s not the same size I am. I think he wears a 42 or 44 jacket, I needed a 48.

Well, sometimes you just have to roll a hard six.

I called the Yamaha dealership in Charlottesville and told them my lender was dragging their heels. They were, technically. Dragging them to a full stop and giving me the finger. But the dealer didn’t have to know that. “What can y’all do for me?”

Thirty minutes later, the head of the financing department called me back with a 2% better APR than Wachovia and a $99 a month minimum payment — similar to the types of financing you see at Best Buy or department stores for big purchases. The term? 60 months, just like Wachovia. Booya, bitches.

Problem one out of the way. Problem two was solved with a loud rumble outside my window and the FedEx man scampering away from my front porch. My jacket (and bike cover) arrived a day early.

I put it on to celebrate:

Here’s the jacket with my military spec reflective vest on. The jacket itself is all black.

Same setup with the flash on, see the difference with the reflective from the first pic?

Lady Jaye was cracking up at work — I was instant messaging her with my gear on and pajama pants. So I said what the hell and took one with my helmet on:

Bask in my dorketry.

By the way, the jacket is dead sexy. The smell of the leather is awesome, and is totally out of a Mad Max movie.

If I don’t have to use it on my way back tomorrow, I’ll do a write up on it when I return. Well, even if I do turf it I’ll write about it :)

Wish me luck,

Doc

Alexa’s ex-co-worker’s father hosts Movies 101 on AMC. The show is new this season (as far as I can tell), and the host Richard Brown is a film professor at NYU with more than 30 years of teaching experience. The first guest will be Martin Scorcese.

I know there are film fans who read this journal, and this show might be worth checking out.

Lady Jaye and I have been searching for a companion for our buddy Porter for the last four months. The Richmond area has tons of hound dogs and pit bull type dogs. There’s nothing wrong with those types of dogs, but they’re not the cuddly little snugglemonsters we’re looking for.

After two weeks of emailing, filling out applications, and schedule wrangling, Lady Jaye and I met with a lady from a local rescue this evening. We had a chance to interview six spaniel-beagle mixes tonight from the same litter. I say “interview,” because I have a semi-formal test battery every puppy goes through. I tested Porter with the same methodology, and he’s been a perfect match for us. I also picked out Sunshine’s dog Sydney this way. I’ve also rejected quite a few pups this way, including the infamous Fucker McCloud in Oregon.

So, the test is based on the natural canine ranking system. There will always be an alpha (top of the pack) male, and an alpha female. There will always be an omega (bottom of the pack) male and an omega female. Aside from the alphas, it doesn’t matter within the pack if a male is dominant or subservient to a female. In our group of six puppies, the top dogs could have all been female. It didn’t work out that way, but as far as I’ve experienced the pack isn’t matriarchal or patriarchal except for the positions of alpha and omega for each sex.

Dogs further up the “alpha” scale will tend to be independent, rowdy, and adventurous. The top dogs will be the first at just about everything. The first to greet you, the first to scout a new area, the first to eat, and the first to chew up purses and shoes. They’ll also tend to be more physical than the other dogs, and more prone to barking, whining, etc. Alphas are great companion candidates for people who want a working dog, or a dog that doesn’t want to sit on the couch with them.

The other end of the scale is the omega dog. They’re the scaredy cats, the ones who always eat last, get their toys taken away from them, and will let you hold them FOREVER. While easier to handle and train, omega dogs have a penchant for separation anxiety. Which, to me, is just as annoying as the alpha dog who digs holes in your yard because he’s bored.

I like, and have selected, dogs in the middle end of their pack or sometimes a little “omega” more than “alpha.” In testing the six spaniel-beagle mixes today I had the opportunity to judge the entire litter against each other. Perfect.

Here’s the test:

• Pick the puppy up and hold it for a few minutes. This will tell you right away if they’re a top alpha dog. A top dog will squirm, whine, and sometimes piss on you if you hold them too long.
• Gently but quickly squeeze the puppy’s front paws. Rub its ears. Open its mouth. Does the puppy try to bite your fingers off? If it did, you have an alpha on your hands, and will need to do some serious conditioning to allow you to work its head like any good dog does. On this test (for what I want), any reaction other than irritation/aggression is acceptable. I disqualified the alpha pup and the next two pups down the authority line on this test. A dog that doesn’t like you touching its mouth won’t let go of your shoes when it’s older.
• When/if the puppy calms down, flip it (slowly and gently) on its back in your arms, like cradling a baby, or that new PSP you just bought. Again, the more dominant/assertive pups will wiggle around and will definitely not like being on their backs. Omegas will flop like jellyfish. Moderate dogs will squirm at first, and then surrender to you and lie still for a bit.
• Rotate the puppy and pretend like you’re going to set them down on the ground. Their four tiny tiny paws should be about an inch or so off the ground. Alphas will start running in the air, anxious to find some new treasure or steal a toy from a littermate. Omegas will hang limply, their four legs swaying in the breeze. Moderate dogs may either struggle at first and then submit, or be limp at first before trying to scramble free.
• Set the puppy down and loudly scamper away from it. Alphas will either run off to do their own thing or chase you aggressively and (usually) bite and/or paw at you. Omegas will sit down or become scared by your tromping. Moderates will follow you around, tail wagging.
• If the puppies are old enough, give them a toy, stick, etc. Then take it away from them. Do they hold fast, and start an impromptu game of tug-of-war? Alpha. Do they let go, sit down, and whine? Omega. Do they hold on at first, then let you have it, or let you have it and then chase you playfully? Moderate.

So, after running all of the puppies through the gauntlet, Lady Jaye and I picked out this little potato with legs:

She looks sheepish in this picture, but don’t worry, she’s a great little gal! We decided that Rosie fit our family’s temperament the best. I ranked her fifth on the hierarchy, which is going to be just about perfect for our household. Porter was definitely a moderate, and I’m hoping for more of the same with Rosie. The girl pup above her didn’t like me playing with her mouth, and Rosie was just adventurous enough to put her above Lefty, her omega brother. All in all, the litter was pretty aggressive — the alpha male of the group kept biting my ankles, the little fucker.

We’ll pick Rosie up October 22nd or 23rd. All of the puppies will be fixed and given their main battery of shots before we pick them up, which is awesome. We adopted her through SHARE, which takes care of the neutering/spaying, shots, etc for $150. It’s an amazing deal, especially since we paid almost $400 to get Porter fixed in the DC area.

Look forward to LOTS of puppy pix in the future :)

As you know, I have been suffering from a reading slump. I can’t seem to finish the books that I start. My buddy is an avid reader and gamer. She loves scifi, fantasy, and zombies, and as such our interests intersect quite frequently. So when she suggested Meghann Marco’s Field Guide to the Apocalypse I eagerly ordered it from Amazon.

In a nutshell, Marco’s book describes how to survive various types of global disasters using “lessons” provided by popular culture and movies. The book itself is small, about 4″ x 6″, and softbound. The cover is nice — there’s a notebook-binding-esque finish to the spine that was a nice touch. The book has 204 pages of content, and a few black and white pictures. The book is definitely small and fits the survival motif quite well. You could definitely cram it in your go bag, although the cover paperstock is a little thin and is already bent from being in my messenger bag for a week.

I knew that my curse was broken the moment I started reading the introduction. Marco has a sarcastic wit and acerbic style that made me smile and laugh out loud a few times before I even got past the introduction. Unlike the other prose you read in college, I highly recommend you read the introduction — there’s a “what apocalypse are you?” style quiz at the end. Depending on how you answer the quiz, you are directed to different chapters in the book in a methodology reminiscent of Choose Your Own Adventure books. No one who is reading this entry would be surprised to learn that I went straight to the Neo-Medieval World, which is your typical after-the-bombs-fall world full of assless leather chaps and motorcycles with gatling guns mounted on the side.

At about this point in the book I looked at the clock. I had been reading non-stop, standing up in my kitchen, for a little bit over an hour and had consumed 97 pages. I was hooked.

The book sat on my desk or in my bag for a few days while I scampered about looking for motorcycles and generally being a miscreant. I took the book with me last Friday to meet Kyle. I am nervous about being late to appointments and I get lost quite easily, so I had about an hour to kill before Kyle showed up with his FZ6 and then a few hours thereafter before the first day of my MSF course. I read the remaining three sections, “The False Utopia,” “The Advanced Civilization,” and “Apocalypse Then: Tips for Saving the World” while sitting in a coffee shop downtown on Cary street.

These sections are much more light-hearted than the Neo-Medieval section. They are also more heavily based on movies and pop culture. Not to say the N-M section was devoid of movie tie-ins — the Mad Max series played quite heavily here — but the other sections involved scenarios that were more far-fetched than global warming or mass extinction. The “False Utopia” section, for example, dealt with a Matrix-like fantasy world, wherein the citizens were mental and emotional slaves to a higher power. “The Advanced Civilization” used Blade Runner as its backbone, with A.I. and a few other robot/androidy films thrown in for good measure. A particularly bright gem in this section was how to evaluate a robot for trustworthiness. Rule of thumb: the more it looks and acts like you, the more likely you are to have to gat it with a pulse rifle or smash it in a big ass hydraulic press. R2D2 was listed as the best and most trustworthy sidekick, the worst was Ash, the synthetic from the original Alien.

Fact or fiction?
My view of the book was certainly colored by reading the Neo-Medieval World section first. Sure, the book is categorized as humor and is based on the silliness of Hollywood end of days films, but Marco does a very good job at describing how close to the brink we really are. Just like the Zombie Survival Manual, you chuckle at first, and then you begin to scratch your head. I don’t know if it’s my base paranoid mentality, or if Marco intended her book to be part joke, part cautionary tale. It’s easy to laugh off the prospect of burning books from a library to keep warm (as seen in The Day After Tomorrow) or to think of a giant asteroid slamming into Amish country, but the bottom line is that sudden climactic change or an impact from a rogue Low Earth Orbit asteroid can — and will — happen at some point in the future. Follow up discussions of the greenhouse effect or the influenza epidemic that killed millions at the turn of the 20th century quickly took the wind out of my Chuckle Sails. Fortunately Marco was quick to balance the doom and gloom with her humor.

So I guess the big question is, is Marco’s book just a laugh rip, or is it something “more?” Akin to the Zombie Survival Manual, Marco’s book is effective because it talks about probable disasters without sounding too eco-freaky or too Nostradamus. If the ZSM was relabeled “How to survive the total breakdown of society” then I would expect it to be published by a militia up in Michigan by a guy with a scraggly-ass beard and an AK-47 hand-converted to full auto. Or a Mormon. Either one has a stockpile of fresh water and MREs in their basement and three backup wives as breeders. Whatever.

At the very least, the Field Guide to the Apocalypse is thought provoking. Unlike the movies, there isn’t going to be a lunatic scientist on the fringe who will find the miraculous cure for a supervirus and save the day. In fact, Marco points out that history is quite the opposite — without dumb luck, the smallpox vaccine might have never been found. When an asteroid streaks through the atmosphere, there won’t be a space shuttle full of hardcore oil rig workers to save the day. The truth is, we’d all be fucked.

Duck and cover

• Gentle but logical treatment of many doomsday scenarios, including plague, resource depletion, and takeover attempts from superior alien civilizations.
• The book is handsome and well illustrated. The cover is a nice touch.
• Engrossing. Especially in the face of being unable to finish several recent books, Marco had me from the opening sentence.
• One part reason, one part smartass, two parts swearing, Marco’s writing style is right up my alley.
• Great companion to the Zombie Survival Manual. Unlike the ZSM, however, Marco knows when to quit. The book makes you want more.

A glitch in the matrix

• Cover could be a bit more sturdy.
• Some sections more glib than the Neo-Medieval chapter, although this could very well be my bias from being a freak and also having read the N-M section first.

Field Guide to the Apocalypse, I award thee five out of five STFU mugs from a bombed-out bunker!

Although mostly unrelated to her book, you can also check out Meghann Marco’s Web site and blog at meghannmarco.com.

I was on my way back from Maryland today. I picked up Monty from Alexa and was stuck in traffic — three cars decided to take on a gas tanker, and all southbound traffic was shut down on I-95.

On a whim, I called Jarman’s Sport Cycles of Charlottesville, Virginia. Bond bought his R6 from them, and he said they were much friendlier than the Yamaha dealer on Cool Street here in Richmond.

Doc: “Hi there, do you have any FZ6s in stock?”
Greg the Salesman: “Yes, we have a blue one and a silver one.”
Doc: “!!! I’m interested in the silver one. What’s the list price on the bike?”
Greg: “The bike retails for $6600.”

So, keep in mind that Kyle is selling his (also 05) FZ6 for $6100. It has 2700 miles on it, and while in 99% great shape, he did drop it and the bike has some cosmetic blemishes.

Doc: “Great. What’s the total out the door price? I am pre-approved through my bank and need to get the exact amount for the loan. I’m ready to buy.”

Ah, the four great words of power when buying anything.

Greg: “Well, since tomorrow is my last day, I’d be happy to sell the silver one to you for $6600 out the door. That’s tags, title, tax, prep, everything. I can hold it for you for a $100 deposit.”

Sold. I scrambled around, calling Bond to see if he knew anyone with a motorcycle trailer. I called Greg back and put the deposit down on the bike.

I’m not sure at this point exactly how I’m going to get the bike home. There are a few options, and none of them are ideal.

Option 1 involves me driving the bike back from Charlottesville on Route 250, otherwise known as Broad Street. It’s a longer way to go than the traditional interstate route, but the max speed on all those roads is 55.

Option 2 involves the same scenario as Option 1, except Bond will drive the bike back.

Option 3 involves putting a trailer hitch on my trusty new steed Monty and renting a motorcycle trailer in Charlottesville. I’ll trailer the bike back and return the trailer here in Richmond.

I’m going to finalize the paperwork with the bank tomorrow. I won’t be able to get the bike today anyway — too many meetings at work and Lady Jaye and I are interviewing puppies tonight. My protective gear is on the way, but probably won’t get here until Friday. Which means that I’ll need to buy a jacket and gloves locally (a major pain in the ass, which is why I bought my gear over the internet) if I want to motor it back myself.

Stay tuned :)

Today’s Gibberish will feature a guest source, our own Lady Jaye. I installed an XM Radio Roady2 receiver in her car almost two weeks ago. She’s gone to work and back and all around in the meantime, and has given the XM channel lineup a decent work out.

Usage: How’s that Roady2 workin’ out fer ya?

We bought Lady Jaye a remote for the Roady2 — LJ found it too distracting to reach over to the Roady2 while driving to change the station. The remote is full featured — it lets you adjust everything on the Roady2 except for the menu selections, and is fairly small. The clip, IMO, faces the wrong way, so the remote is upside down if you were to clip it to your car windshield visor.

Thanks to hardwiring the Roady2 directly to Lady Jaye’s radio, the sound quality is awesome. You can use a wireless FM modulator to broadcast the satellite signal to a local FM channel (say, 80.9 or something), and they’ve all sucked. Don’t even think about buying XM if you have to use an FM modulator; you’ll be frustrated with the satellite reception and the FM transmission. One thing to understand about satellite radio (either XM or Sirius) is that the satellite signal is susceptible to tall trees, overpasses, or clusters of tall buildings. These things interfere with the satellite transmission from OUTER SPACE!! to your car, and you’ll just drop the signal for a few seconds. I was afraid of this when we installed Lady Jaye’s Roady2 antenna inside her car. It was easier for me to do so, but the roof is another obstruction between OUTER SPACE!! and the receiver. Luckily, we haven’t had any problems with reception, even in the heavily wooded part of Richmond in which we live. Your mileage will definitely vary.

So, the sound is great, the reception is great, now what about the programming? Well, that’s the disappointment.

Channel lineup: 150 channels of … shit we don’t listen to.

At the house, and in my car (thanks to the iPod), we listen to a fairly wide range of music. Rap, hip-hop, metal, rock ( long live metal \m/ ), pop, and there’s even some country on there. Well, just one country album. And I just took it off. Most importantly, we listen to a lot of the supergenre Electronica. For the purposes of this article include but are not limited to: Big Beat, techno, trance, dance, house, jungle, drums and bass, turntabilism, downbeat, breakbeat, and true electronica, such as Massive Attack or Portishead. Point being, it’s a decent range of music, and will be our listening preference guide for the rest of this write-up. If you like more “mainstream” music, then this part of the review may not apply to you.

Let’s break down the XM lineup. XM has over 150 channels, but not all of them are music. For example, there are 21 local channels for traffic and weather and one 24/7 emergency alert channel. These are utterly useless to us, as our market is not represented on any of these channels. Then there are 12 news channels, and 14 “talk and entertainment” channels. Sorry guys, I’m a free thinker and don’t need to be told what my opinion is. There are 14 sports channels, which isn’t necessarily bad per se, but doesn’t suit our listening habits as we cruise from the house to the gym or the mall. XM does have exclusive rights to Major League Baseball, the National Hockey League, and NASCAR (if you like NASCAR, which we don’t), so if you are a sports fan you may be interested in XM’s sports lineup. If we were like my boss Bullethead, who has a 90 minute commute each way, then the sports lineup is awesome. He quite frequently listens to Giants games on the way home.

Subtract those channels, as well as the 3 Christian channels, the 3 classical channels, the 3 comedy channels, and 7 country-only channels and we’re down to 87 channels right off the bat. We haven’t even eliminated the “least likely to listen to” channels, like the Decades type channels (music from the 40s, 60s, 80s, etc).

Remember all of those genres and subgenres of music we like? XM doesn’t really cater to our greatest loves, the Electronica supergenre. Out of the 150+ channels, there are 4 “Dance” channels, but one of them is disco. So there are really only three channels, and one of them, BPM, is a great techno channel, but it’s mindless BUMF BUMF BUMF BUMF BUMF music without much variation. The Move is described as “underground dance,” and that’s more of a trance channel — the kind of music you’d hear at a rave. So far, the lineup hasn’t been all that bad, but it’s very Paul Oakenfold/Paul van Dyk hyperfast mental traveling music. It’s actually AWFUL to listen to on the freeway, as it makes me want to drive fast — and I’m the passenger! So that leaves the Electronica channel, which isn’t bad at all, but doesn’t offer much variety. I’m definitely spoiled by SomaFM, which concentrates more on the Electronic music supergenre.

Lady Jaye comments that the other stations, the mainstream pop/hip-hop type, suffer from one of the same problems of terrestrial radio: heavy rotation. She’ll hear the same song several times a day. Jumping around channels doesn’t help either — if you go from the Top 20 on Channel 20 to Ethel (modern rock) to Squizz (hard alternative) you might hear the same song. By the time you jump back to the original station later in the day, the same song might be on again! Lady Jaye says that Ciara is in total heavy rotation, and hears the same few songs from her constantly.

Is XM radio worth $12.95 a month? At this point, I’d say yes if you don’t have any other alternative to terrestrial radio in your car like an mp3 player or a CD player that plays mp3 discs. Once I sell my Element and Lady Jaye inherits my iPod, we may put the Roady2 in the house, or we might just get cancel our subscription.

I can’t live without my radio!

• Much better variety than terrestrial radio. Richmond doesn’t even have one electronica channel.
• Something for everybody. The question is, how much “something” does it take to satisfy you?
• Hardwiring the Roady2 to the head unit results in near CD-quality sound.
• Blasting bluegrass as you spin out of a parking lot makes you giggle uncontrollably.

NO SIGNAL

• It’s like digital cable: hundreds of channels, but is there anything you really want to tune in to?
• For our liking, XM needs to have more electronica-style music. They hardly play any downbeat, the “easy listening” of electronica. XM’s selection is centered around dance or high beat per minute music.
• $13 a month is fairly hefty when we only really listen to 10% of their offering.

XM Radio, I award thee:

Three and a half out of five STFU mugs!

Yesterday was my final day in the Motorcycle Safety Foundation beginner’s course. We were such a good class during day two that we jumped ahead in the timetable and did an extra drill on Saturday. That gave us more time to practice for the riding skills test at the end of our Sunday’s session.

We did some really neat, practical drills. One of them was starting to make a turn, and then having to suddenly stop. Braking while turning is a big no-no on a bike. Your tires are already being used for cornering, which results in a reduced contact area on the tires for braking. If you brake during a turn you stand a decent chance of eating shit. In order to stop during a turn, you have to straighten the bike up and then jam on your brakes. Another useful drill was sudden swerving. My friend Bond told me about this one, so I was ready for it. You cruise towards the instructor at about 15 mph. There are three cones side by side that simulate the back of a stopped truck. You head towards the back of the truck, and you have to swerve to avoid it. The instructor stood about five feet behind the “truck line” and would direct you to swerve left or right. You were not allowed to slow the bike at all, even by letting off the throttle, until the instructor directed you to swerve. You were then required to stop as quickly as you could next to the instructor.

The last time I did the drill, the instructor stood silently for a moment, cried out “perfect!” and did a little dance. Righteous.

We finished up the emergency evasion drills and then started practicing for our riding skills exam. One of the skills we were tested on was The Box, which I had a very hard time with yesterday. You have to make two U-turns and a figure 8 within a 20′ by 20′ box. The box is plenty big, but completing the exercise is a binary activity; either you could do it and only need half the box, or you couldn’t do it, and no matter how big the box was you’d mess up. I fell into the latter group.

The riding exam started with The Box, then a straightaway acceleration drill, followed by the swerve-and-stop drill I mentioned above. We were required to swerve to the right only and make a sudden stop. The Box wasn’t timed, but as soon as you straightened out from the second U-Turn the other two drills were on a timer. Move too slowly and you were penalized. Brake too early and you were penalized. Take too long to break and you were penalized.

So, I knew I was going to fuck up The Box. You were penalized 3 points for putting your foot down in The Box once, and 5 points if you put your foot down more than once. You were penalized 3 points for going outside the lines the first time, and 5 points for going outside more than once. Laying the bike down during this or any drill resulted in an automatic disqualification.

We all lined up one behind each other. I was about in the middle of the group. Everyone’s eyes were on you while you did your thing. I eased towards The Box and started to make my first U-turn. No problem! It was the first initial U-turn I’d completed in two days without putting my foot down or going outside the line. I smiled to myself. Hey, this isn’t so bad! I completed my figure 8 and then started to make the right-hand U-turn. I don’t know if it was my overconfidence or what, but I rolled completely over the line. Shit. So, I straightened out and rocketed towards the swerve exercise. I dogged the bike a little to the right and came to a stop. Oh well, three points down.

The next test was a straightaway acceleration drill followed by an emergency stop. We had to hit 15 - 20 mph before the stop zone. We were penalized for anticipating the cue cones by slowing down. We were to use the front brake, back brake, grab the clutch, and downshift into first. We had to stop within a certain distance without suffering a penalty. I screamed towards the stop zone, grabbed the clutch, the front brake level, and eased on the back brake pedal. Great technique! Except that I forgot to downshift into first. John, the instructor that evaluated me during the practice version of this drill, slowly walked around to the left side of my bike. I had a choice: should I downshift now before he got there, or just take the penalty? My conscience got the best of me and I took a 5 point deduction for not downshifting. Ugh. I also took too long to bring the bike to a perfect stop, and lost some points there.

The last drill of the day was also my favorite to execute. It involved making a slow 90 degree turn, then hitting a straightaway, braking before you enter a wide 135 degree turn, making the sweeping turn, and then another straight line until you hit the stop area, where you braked as fast and as hard as you can. The target speed was between 15 and 20 miles per hour. You were penalized for not braking at the start of the sweeping turn, for slowing down in the curve, for taking too long to complete the braking-turning portion of the test, for taking too long to make it to the finish line, for anticipating the stop, for not braking hard enough, and for not downshifting into first. That’s a lot of shit to remember, but it was a very practical test.

I knew I was at least eight points down on my exam — 3 for the box, and 5 for the 1st gear mishap. I could only lose 13 more points before scrubbing the test. The penalties for this part of the test were severe. For example, if you were too slow in the approach you were penalized 5 points and sent back. If you were too slow the second time you were penalized 15 points. I figured that it was better to go fast and mess up on the braking section than to go slow and suffer the larger point penalty.

It was my turn. I easily navigated the first, smaller turn. I straightened out and quickly shifted into second gear on the straightaway. I leaned close to the tank and was up to 25 mph before the beginning of the turn. I rolled off the throttle, and used both brakes. I slowed way down because of that, and then I started my sweeping turn. I rolled on the throttle hard, cleanly exited the curve, crouched down, and sped off towards the finish point. I screeched to a halt, and made a perfect stop (remembering to downshift this time). I got the thumbs-up from my instructors and putt-putted to the garage and turned my bike off.

The rest of the class finished and we were called in one by one for our test results. Remember, you can only lose 21 points before they fail you. I have to say, I was not proud of my score. -3 for going outside the line in The Box. -3 for putting my foot down inside The Box — I apparently wasn’t even aware I did this. -5 for not downshifting into 1st. -3 for not coming to a complete stop soon enough on the straightaway. -1 for looking down before I entered the turn on the big turn. -3 for not going fast enough through the turn on the final exercise. -18 overall. Bummer. I wasn’t the “worst” in the class, but I was damn close. Instructor John said my score didn’t accurately represent my level of safety and riding that they’d seen over the last two days. The downshift mistake and the slow entry into the curve skewed my score a bit. Subtract those points and we’re at -10 — still pretty bad. Subtract The Box, which I’ll probably never do in real life, and I’m at -4 for not braking fast enough and looking down while I rode.

I shared my results with some of my riding buddies. “Too slow [during the turning test]?” one fellow said. “I thought you were hauling ass. You were easily the fastest person.” Oh well, at least I know I can roll on the throttle during a turn :)

All in all, the instructors’ critiques were spot on. I left the course feeling that I needed a lot more riding time. We were asked to fill out a questionnaire about the course, and I noted that I would rather have a third day of riding instead of one day of classroom. My biggest complaint about the course isn’t related to the course itself at all. It’s with the general motorcycle education system and the complete lack of a defined training process beyond the MSF course. If, and this is a big if — a motorcycle rider takes the MSF course, they only have two days of riding experience before they’re thrown out on the roads with all sorts of traffic. Unlike my automobile training course (still only a short week), we had no drive time in traffic. As one MSF instructor put it flatly, “congratulations. You are now qualified to drive on an empty parking lot.” The MSF course revealed gaps in my abilities, and instead of having a safe(r) environment to practice them in, I must now improve them on the street. No wonder so many riders turf it within their first six months. The course was great, but I really wish we had more ride time.

Some of you have asked me if/when I plan on getting a bike. In an ideal situation, I’d like to buy a bike before the end of the month so I get some ride time in before the end of the season. If I can get another two months or so of riding in I’d feel much better about picking up again in the spring. I have my eyes on Kyle’s FZ6, even though it’s very close to the original retail price. The FZ6 isn’t a common bike in the Richmond area, and I’d rather not have to deal with buying the bike in NoVA or Charlottesville and then having to drive it on the freeway.

Here’s to keeping the shiny side up and the dirty side down. Good luck to my fellow classmates, and ride safely.

I’ve been really looking forward to my Motorcycle Safety Foundation course that I signed up for on the 1st. Last night was our three hour classroom session, with the first day of riding this morning.

There are twenty four people in our class, and they cover a wide range of experience, backgrounds, and personalities. There was a college-aged couple who joined together — a birthday gift to the gal — and unbeknownst to them had registered in the same class as one of their best friends. They were definitely the youngest. There was an older American man with his younger Japanese wife: they’d both ridden, although she more recently than he, in Japan. Two ladyfriends were down from NoVA, since they were unable to register for any classes up there until June of next year. Gay, one of the ladies, was a Harley rider back before it was Cool™ to be a biker chick. Marylou, the other lady, just bought a 249cc Vespa scooter.

So, one of the things that surprised me the most about the course was how much it contradicted the information presented in the VA DMV manual and evil test. For example, the VA manual states that the ideal riding position behind a car is directly behind it, so you’re in the rear view mirror. Makes sense. The MSF course noted that it’s best to stay in the left part of the lane, so that you show up in a driver’s left side mirror.

I think the MSF advice is pretty poor, except for one special case (which I’ll get into in a moment). There are very very few people who actually use their side mirrors. Also, if you’re in the left hand part of a lane, you’re limiting your ability to maneuver without changing lanes. What if there’s a 2×4 in the left and center side of your lane? Lastly, by moving to the left you open up the right hand side for cars to encroach into your lane. Stay in the middle at all times, and maintain the maximum amount of visibility and maneuverability.

The only time I agree with the MSF’s advice is when you’re dealing with vehicles that don’t have rear view mirrors, or their rear viewing area is obstructed. Say, by a trailer, filled in/blackened rear windows like on a cargo van, or a SUV full of balloons headed to a kindercare party with Maternal Unit on her cell phone. Then it makes sense to be on the left hand side, but only long enough to get away from them.

There were a few more examples of how the classroom part could have been done differently. It’s not very interesting, at least not as interesting as today’s riding activities, but I’ll lodge one more complaint. The four instructors (two to each riding group) hurried through the material. They gave us a cheat sheet for the written test that’s given out at the end of the 3rd day’s training, and then had us find the answers in our coursebooks. Quite frankly, some of the questions weren’t answered properly. One question was, “why is the first lead time [between you and another vehicle] 2 seconds?” The answer should be, “because anything closer is not enough time for the brain to process the threat and react accordingly.” Furthermore, it should be 3 seconds, but whatever. The answer accepted by the instructors and in the coursebook? “It is considered to be a minimum distance when conditional are ideal.” No, no, NO you fucktards, you just responded to a WHY question with a WHAT answer!

Anyway, on to the good stuff. Until today, I’d only sat on two motorcycles in my life. One of them being the Yamaha FZ6 I sat on yesterday :). I’ve never piloted a motorcycle. I am a complete newbie, other than the potentially obsessive research I conduct on every aspect of motorcycle riding, from crash statistics to equipment to bikes to training programs. So, today had me a bit nervous. I knew that we’d be on “little” bikes — bikes with either 150cc engines or 250cc engines. My bike, and most of the bikes, really, had 250cc engines. In comparison, the FZ6 I’m looking at is a 600cc bike. It’s popular opinion that a 250cc bike is fine for putzing around town, but anything less than 600 is questionable for highway use.

If I had doubts about the MSF course last night, today made everything worth it. Every exercise built on the previous ones. Our very first drill was super easy but still had a lot of gems: it was how to properly mount a motorcycle. First, grab the front brake. Put your right leg over the bike, then take the weight off the side stand. Retract the side stand. Easy!! It was exactly what I needed, as I was definitely nervous last night.

Next drill? Same as the first one, but now we were going to start our bikes up. Complete drill one. Turn the ignition on, enable the engine starter switch, hold in the clutch, and then fire the electric starter. Wait until the instructor isn’t looking, then rev your 250cc engine like you’re motherfucking James Dean. Grin like an idiot.

The drills progressed naturally from there — partially engage the clutch and “power walk” the bike forward 20 yards. Put it in neutral and push the bike around (that part sucked, my manhood was all smashed against the tank) and go back the way you came. Repeat. Then ride 20 yards instead of doing the power walk. Then turn in an easy loop instead of pushing it. By the end of the day, we were going from a dead stop to two U-turns then an S turn, then a tight left hand turn, then crossing a figure 8 to do it again on the other side of the course.

My favorite drill was the slalom. It had some parts that I wasn’t so good at — the clutch pedal on the left side of the bike has a teeny tiny knob that you use to shift up or down. I wore my Doc Martens today and I had a very hard time putting my toe box underneath the gear shift knob in order to go up gears. So, we started out from a dead stop, went to second gear in a straightaway, and then circled around the course in an oval shape. Starting with the next pass, we would slalom between about eight cones on the first straightaway. Long sweeping left turn, then another eight or so cones in a tighter formation on the next straightaway, then another long sweeping left turn. Repeat. It was a little shaky at first, but by the end of the drill I was leaning forward and tucking my knees in to blast into the turns faster than the time before. Fun stuff.

All in all, we put about seven miles on our bikes today over a five hour period of time. That’s a lot of course time, especially considering that we were moving 20 yards at a time at first. I was totally exhausted by the end of the day. The instructors congratulated us — no collisions, no one dumped their bike or fell, and no one was asked to leave the course. It was a perfect day to ride — overcast, slightly warm, with a breeze. I hope that tomorrow is as great.

I was downtown yesterday, waiting for a fellow to show up so I could see the Yamaha FZ6 he had for sale. We agreed to meet at Betsy’s coffee shop on Cary street because it was close to where the seller lived and also near my motorcycle safety class, which started at 6:30.

When I entered, I noticed an older gentleman sitting alone by the window. I recognized him immediately as The Professor, my English advisor and general mentor during college. I ordered my drink and approached him slowly. He has quite the reputation as a bad ass cantankerous old bastard, and wasn’t sure he would remember me. I waited for him to pause in his reading, and he looked up at me.

His face screwed up as he thought about who I was. His eyes smiled a bit and knew that he recognized me, if he could not recall my name.

“The Professor? DrFaulken, class of ’97,” I said as I extended my hand.

“Of course!” he exclaimed. He mentioned some of the classes we had together, as well as a paper I had written for one of his classes. He also recalled the Web site I once ran about Leonard Peltier.

“It’s not often I remember students, especially after the years have run on. How have you been?”

I gave him the short version. Moved across the country twice. Did a bid in DC, was now back in the area. He is going to retire soon, utterly frustrated with The College and the now lame duck president. Stilts, you might find it interesting that he thinks the president elect will last no more than five years before moving on.

At any rate, the fellow with the FZ6 appeared and I had to cut our reunion short. He gave me his contact information and wants to have lunch. It was really great to see him. He asked if I was still writing, and I told him “sort-of.” He remarked that I looked younger, even though I had less hair than when I last saw him over eight years ago. I told him I was a lot less angry these days, and certainly happier with myself and with life.

Good times. Here’s to seeing you again, Professor.