By December 4, 2005

Dear Sir, Please trim your pubes.

I was in Maryland yesterday, and had the occasion to visit a Starbuck’s with my friends and . I excused myself to use the facilities. Instead of the normally pristine environment I’ve come to expect from America’s largest coffee shop chain, I found a hair on the lip of the urinal. Not just any hair, mind you — these things happen, along with some splash damage here and there — but a thick, coiled black mamba of a pube. It was easily two inches in length, if someone dared to stretch it out.

Jesus. What decade are we living in, the 70s?

It’s bad enough that your hair is falling out all over the urinal, and some poor kid making $8 an hour is going to have to clean up your lice-ridden pubic strands. But for fuck’s sake, for the good of the rest of us who have to come in behind you, and whomever is unlucky enough to be your significant other, please, please buy yourself an electric razor and trim the hedges every now and then. Judging by this artifact you left behind, you should be trimming every two weeks or so. I just hope you don’t do something active for a living, talk about a dank nest of villainy.

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Snake, or unkempt man?

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