By December 1, 2005

Dr. Schulze’s Intestinal Formula #1

It’s that time of year — you know, when you throw your diet to the wind and eat all sorts of yummy but totally bad food and “snacks.” Starting with Thanksgiving, your body is probably going to try to process all sorts of things it’s not used to: turkey, meat loaf, pumpkin pie, big ol’ ham, pumpkin pie (mmm), stuffing, brownies, etc etc etc. Damn this post is making me hungry 🙁

Anyway, unless you’re a straight up velociraptor like me who eats more meat in a week than you probably do in a year, your body responds to all of this food by keeping it in your intestines. You heard me, it’s harder for your body to process all that refined sugar, protein, fat and grease than if you eat alfalfa pellets. Not that there’s anything wrong with you half-rabbits out there (:cough: Fish Sprout :cough:). Your body needs lots of water and a good metabolism to break all that stuff down and get rid of it, and most of us aren’t drinking enough water and exercising, especially during the holiday season.

So it’s been two days and you haven’t taken a dump the whole time. Irritable? Tummy hurt? Burping a lot? Belly sticking out a bit like you’re pregnant? You need to have a sit down, and you need to have at least two a day.

“But DrFaulken, I don’t feel like it! I read through the entire Christmas edition of Field & Stream and didn’t do anything! What am I supposed to do?

Easy, citizen. There’s a natural, chemical-free way to help your digestive dumplings along the happy path. It’s made by a fellow named Dr. Schulze, who owns the American Botanical Pharmacy. His Intestinal Formula #1 is great for when you need a little help with your getalong.

Intestinal Formula #1 is the first step in a two-part regime Schulze recommends to keep your bowels clear. The formula is 100% herbal, with zingers (literally, be careful) like habanero pepper. Taking the formula is easy, as long as you follow the directions to the letter. YOU MUST FOLLOW THE DIRECTIONS TO THE LETTER OR YOU MAY BE IN FOR A SERIOUS WORLD OF COMMODIC PAIN. Here, I’ll describe the whole process for you:

  • Take one pill the first day after dinner. Do not take it on an empty stomach. Your pooper will cramp and you will wish you got bashed in the face by a G-Shock watch.
  • Increment your daily intake by one, after dinner. So if you are on day two, take two pills. Day three? Three pills. DO NOT SKIP AHEAD and take more than one additional pill a day or you will have chosen the path of PAIIIIN!
  • Keep incrementing your daily intake by one until you have what is officially described by Dr. Schulze as a “wow.” Meaning, you get through with your routine, stand up, and go, “wow.” For me, that’s between two and four pills, but remember my body is used to eating entire herds of cattle in one sitting. YMMV.

That’s it! Once you feel like you’re back to normal you can stop taking the pills or reduce your dosage. I’m at the point where I might take a few of these over the course of a year. When I first started taking them, I went through about two bottles a year.

At $18 you might think it’s pricey, but seriously, try them out. If you’re not having at least two drops a day and/or don’t purge within two hours of eating, you might want to give ’em a shot.

Poop, there it is!

  • Highly effective, chemical-free way to help your body get rid of that fruitcake Aunt Mabel gave you.
  • Speeds up time spent in the bathroom. My reading time took a serious nosedive when I was on these regularly.

What’s that smell?

  • Expensive for some.
  • DON’T BREAK THE RULES! Seriously, this is some Gremlins shit. If you fuck around and take half the bottle the first day, you will blow an O-ring. Just follow the directions.
  • At higher dosages, or when you’ve got a particularly efficient diet (meaning, you aren’t generating much waste) you may feel the pepper and other “stimulating” agents as they exit the freeway. So to speak.
  • At the beginning, you will almost certainly experience a stomach or colon cramp. This hurts. A lot. But your colon will strengthen up and you’ll be better than ever in no time.

Dr. Schulze’s Intestinal Formula #1, I give thee:

Four and a half out of five STFU mugs!

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4 Comments on "Dr. Schulze’s Intestinal Formula #1"

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  1. configuratrix says:

    Why not just up the fiber and water? A mix of soluble and insoluble, veggies and high-fiber grain (I forget which is which).

    For the grain, there are several good-tasting products with > 1 g fiber to

  2. drfaulken says:

    Someone brave enough to answer! I’m impressed.

    You do bring up a very valid point not addressed in my write-up: drink lots of water and get some fiber in your diet. I’m hoping the grass and other plant life my meal ate counts.

    I think the base reason Intestinal Formula #1 is so magical is because no matter how good you think you’re processing, you may be surprised at what is being retained on the inside.

    As a further aside, green tea seems to help keep us “active,” I wonder especially in comparison to the dehydrating effects of coffee.

  3. ca11away says:

    You need serious balls to willfully ingest anything that messes with the blatter. Might as well take a trip to Tijuana for a snow cone.

  4. Diesel says:

    Don’t try colonblow. I got it of the internet. I’m a big eater and like my steak. Unless I have an efficient asshole, I didn’t see the results I’d expect after 36 years of eating lots of red meat. I was rather disappointed at what didn’t come out of me. Worse yet, I didn’t get the shirt that was supposed to come with it. (My buddy got one and he wears it all the time). Eat a burrito or chicken wings and beer instead.