In my ongoing, hopeless war against my body hair, I often turn to … unconventional contraptions and procedures. At least, unconventional for a guy. Especially a straight one. That isn’t in porn or professional fighting. Rip my nose hairs out by hand if I couldn’t find a trimmer? Ayup. Own a grooming device with multiple attachments? Right here, buddy. Wax my back? Yeah, done it a few times. Nair? Yes, yes I have done Nair. It didn’t work very well and left a chemical burn on me for a few days.
So, when Stomper gave Lady Jaye an Emjoi Epislim awhile ago, I was intrigued. The Epislim is basically a device made by Satan. There’s a whirling set of … devil claws? Fuck if I know what they are really called, that rip your hair out. It is very similar to the Epilady, except the Epislim is smaller. The devil claws only cover about an inch-wide area. Instead of legs and underarms (or the “bikini area,” as I was told), I was after the hairs that grew along the tops of my fingers. I don’t know really why I wanted them gone. Maybe it’s because chimps have hairy fingers, and I am trying to avoid the primate comparison as much as possible. I might be a hairy bastard, but I’m going to be a hairy bastard on my own terms.
I fired up the Epislim, which is powered by two AA batteries. The power switch made me a little nervous. There is a safety nipple that has to be depressed in order to flip up the power switch. That’s right, this bitch has a safety. The second thing that made me pause was the incredible roar that came from such a small device. It was as if a giant demon had been smooshed down into a tiny plastic housing. I shrugged and ran the Epislim over the top of my thumb.
It wasn’t pleasant, but it wasn’t really that bad, either. Certainly not as bad as getting my back waxed. I did wince a few times, and possibly said “Ow.” I found that different parts of different fingers were more sensitive than others. The worst parts were the fingertips of my index and pinky fingers. My middle fingers were the least sensitive. I guess flipping the bird so often toughed them up.
About two weeks ago I decided to try the Epislim out on my toes. That hurt. No idea what the big deal was, but I tried again a few days later and didn’t even finish my first toe. I was tempted to try “other areas” just for the sake of this review but I don’t want my manhood ripped off by the devil claws. Maybe for another post.
Regrowth on my fingers started in about a day or two. I waited three more days and I went after my hands again with the Epislim. The devil claws whirred to life and snatched off all my hairs. I’ve done this about four or five times. Either my hair is finally giving up or I’m fooling myself, but I think it’s taking more time to grow back. Either way, I’m pleased with the Epislim. It does what it says, seems durable, and was inexpensive ($18 before shipping at Amazon.com or similar vendors).
Emjoi Epislim AP9LC Epilator, I rip out
Five out of five STFU mugs!