By April 5, 2007

Freedom costs a buck-o-five (Frank Miller’s 300 review, no spoilers inside).

There are no spoilers in this review, just my opinion of the movie and the verdict using The Patented DrFaulken Movie Prediction System™

I was all set to bash the movie Frank Miller’s 300. I started typing, drawing a clever correlation between the line “Freedom isn’t free” in 300 to the Trey Parker satirical song of the same name from Team America: World Police. I wanted to get the line from 300 exactly right; I thought it was said by King Leonidas, but maybe it was Queen Gorgo. So I Googled for “300 movie quotes freedom free” and found out that I was about the last motherfucker on the planet with this idea. There are so many people joking about 300 and Team America that I am not even going to go into them here; you can check the Google link yourself.

The Patented DrFaulken Movie Prediction System™
For those of you who haven’t been to a movie in the theater with me yet, I have a very trusted and accurate system for judging if the film will be good or not. I follow the previews before the film. I award one point for a good trailer. I deduct one point for a trailer for a movie that I wouldn’t want to see, or runs counter to the movie’s genre. For example, seeing a trailer for Pride & Prejudice before Alien vs. Predator is minus one point. By the way, TPDMPS™ properly determined that AvP would be utter shit.

A recap of the 300 trailers:

  • Knocked Up
    R U 4 RLZ? A fucking comedy movie trailer before a movie about half-naked men kicking d00ds in turbans into a big fucking abyss? TYPE MISMATCH ERROR. -1 point. Shit, this counts as -2 points.
  • Grindhouse
    The Quentin Tarantino/Robert Rodriguez double feature may be the best movie I rent all year. But there’s no way I’m going to watch it in the theater. Anyway, +1 point.
  • The Reaping
    ANOTHER comedy trailer before Spartans vs Trolls? Oh wait, this movie is trying to be serious. Hilary Swank is the leading man in this movie about Biblical plagues come to fruition. Mark my words: The Reaping is going to leave you weeping. -1 point.
  • Ocean’s Thirteen
    The Ocean’s franchise is like watching an avalanche. Ocean’s Eleven was like beautiful, pretty snow up top a mountain, entertaining and powdery. Ocean’s Twelve comes out, and here comes the avalanche, crushing skiers and snowboards like Slopes vs. Tony Danza II. Ocean’s Thirteen is going to bury the whole ski lodge. -1 point.

Trailer total: -3. And there you have it. A rough hole for 300 to climb out of, and it never did. The fight scenes were nifty, but not enough to drag the movie past some really bad CGI (the wolf was just a damn shame), wooden dialog, and shit like “Freedom isn’t free,” spoken by the monarch of a people who practiced slavery.

I try not to tell my friends if I like a movie or not, but give them a sliding scale on when they should see it:

  • Pay full price at the theater.
  • See the matinee.
  • Rent it.
  • TiVo it.
  • Don’t see it. Don’t even let your worst enemy see it.

According to 300, Spartans were discarded at birth if they showed a sign of weakness. Pity writer/director Zach Snyder and Warner Brothers didn’t do the same with this film.

TiVo it.

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1 Comment on "Freedom costs a buck-o-five (Frank Miller’s 300 review, no spoilers inside)."

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  1. RonC says:

    Ouch!
    Brutal but extremely accurate, the movie stunk.
    I like your predictive scale!