By July 28, 2006

ID Millennium Advanced Formula Personal Lubricant Review

Gibberish readers are from all walks of life. Full-breeds, half-breeds, single, married, divorced, breeders, godless heathens, god-fearing heathens, college educated, street smart, young urban professional, downright suburban. The one thing they all have in common? Well, they all read Gibberish. Yes, very clever of you. Besides that, what do they all have in common?

They should all have at least one bottle of personal lubricant.

ID Millennium lube

Hopefully you’re getting some. It doesn’t matter if you’re singing solo or in a chorus, you should get enough action to put a sparkle in your eyes. No matter who you are or what your situation is, you’re going to need lube at least once in awhile.

A Gibberish favorite was the Pjur Eros lubricant. It’s a silicone-based formula, and while expensive it was smooth and often lasted longer than I could. Unfortunately the nearest adult shop stopped carrying the Pjur line for some reason, and the ID Millennium Advanced Formula made its way into our home.

You don’t realize how important packaging is when you buy lube, but let me tell you, it’s fucking important. The Eros was a great lube, but the canister was completely smooth. Do you know how hard it is to cap or uncap a bottle of lube once you’ve applied some with your hands? Luckily, the ID Millennium bottle has a ridge on the side. Trust me, this is important, you don’t want to have to fumble for the bottle as you’re teetering off of the bed/trapeze/gimp box.

The Millennium lubricant has a few nice things going for it. It feels smooth, without being greasy. It never gets tacky/sticky, unlike the cheaper lubricants you can buy at the grocery store. As an aside, all silicon-based lubes are latex safe for you condom users and is slightly water-resistant. Unfortunately, that’s all the nice things I have to say about the Millennium, especially in comparison the Pjur Eros.

The Millennium has the consistency of water. In low-light conditions, this can be quite hazardous, and messy. Some of you only engage in sexual activities that are both hazardous and messy, so this may not be a deterrent to you. I wish the lubricant was just a little bit thicker, or had a smaller spout in the top. Either I am afraid of a spill and don’t use enough, or am in a hurry (cough) and use too much.

My biggest complaint is that the Millennium doesn’t last very long. Given the river of lube that comes out of the bottle, this can be a real problem in the middle of an Unnatural Act™. Need some more love oil after a few pumps/strokes/manly thrusts? Teeter off the edge of the gimp box, grab the lube (easily, thanks bottle design!!), and pop the cap. OMG LUBE EVERYWHERE!! Fall off the gimp box, sprain an appendage, spend the rest of the night in the emergency room, and waste that bootleg Viagra from Mexico you bought online.

Sad.

ID Millennium Advanced Formula Lubricant, I award thee:
Three out of five STFU mugs!

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3 Comments on "ID Millennium Advanced Formula Personal Lubricant Review"

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  1. Bond says:

    It’s so easy to think of witty comments to your other “easy” to mock columns. This one is just too obvious to even attempt. It’s like hiding something in plain view. I reached down, and there was…nothing (G, Castansa) :P

  2. ms_lady_jaye says:

    At least we could “lube” the fence gate in the backyard with it! I like things that are multi-functional, if you know what I mean.

  3. Now this is why I can’t have a web journal. My mom would totally read something like this, and Thanksgiving would be hellish.

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