By April 11, 2006

Is That You, Van Gogh? Or, Gillette Fusion Review

Warning! A rant follows.

It is a well known Gibberish fact that I hate shaving. Unfortunately for me, I inherited my father’s Sasquatch gene and would need to shave twice a day to avoid a serious 5 o’clock shadow. If you’ve read some of my grooming entries, you may recall reviews on various shaving creams, tonics, ju-ju, balms, and mystic formulae.

That being said, Lady Jaye bought me a starter set for the Gillette Fusion, which includes the razor and two blade cartridges.

The Fusion is Gillette’s six blade monstrosity. The Fusion has five blades on the front, and one blade on the back, for “precision cutting.” More on that motherfucker a little bit later. The razor itself is very handsome. It has a nice weight to it, and has a width and length that suitably fits my hand. I’m talking about the razor.

The razor cartridge is downright scary; it looks like the grill on a car from the 30s. Similar to the Mach 3 Turbo that I used previously, the Fusion has a weird “lube strip” at the bottom of the cartridge. This actually makes a big difference in comfort, and it also signals when I should throw the cartridge away.

First incisions.
I decided to give the Fusion a trial by fire and tried it out on 2 days worth of growth. I did my normal shaving pattern, starting on the right side of my throat and working up. I was unpleasantly surprised to feel the Fusion tug on my skin, followed by a ripping sound. I shaved maybe 2″ of my neck and put the razor down. My Mach 3 finished up with no problem, and no cuts. The Fusion would sit in its fancypants container for another two weeks before I would pick it up again.

It sounds painful, but damn I’m smooth!
I tried the Fusion again after Lady Jaye noticed I hadn’t been using it. I felt guilty for not giving her present a fair shot, so I tried it again — this time with only 24 hours of growth on my mug. The skritch-skritch sound was still there, but the skin tugging was gone. I swear I could see flakes of skin come off and fly around after each pass. I was prepared to hold a bath towel to my throat as Lady Jaye rushed me to the hospital, but to my surprise I didn’t cut myself once. It was certainly NOT a comfortable shave, but it was the closest shave I’d ever had. At 16 years of shaving, that’s over half my life. I used the first Fusion cartridge for about a week and a half. I was very disappointed to see that the Fusion doesn’t take regular Gillette cartridges. I really like the feel of the razor itself.

How much for blades?
If you are one of my friends from the DC metro area, you’d better take advantage of the sky-high home market rates and get a second mortgage on your home. You’re going to need it in order to buy replacement blades for the Fusion. I think you get four cartridges for $14.99. ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? You want me to pay you $3.75 every 10 days to peel my face off? HOLY SHIT! It was telling when the Fusion starter kit only had two blades in it. I was pissed when my Mach 3 Turbo only came with four carts in it.

More Blades Than an 80s Ninja Movie

  • Wave your huge shaving peen around by owning the awesome powah of the only 5+1 razor on the market. I wouldn’t put this in your pocket in Maryland, they’d probably bust you for carrying a concealed weapon.
  • Despite my ranting, this thing does provide a pretty close shave.
  • The razor handle itself is very nice to the touch. Pity I can’t use regular Gillette blades on it

Cut to the bone. Almost.

  • Expensive — something that Lady Jaye almost mitigated by comparing the cost of facial shaving to all the other things ladies have to purchase and endure. However, I don’t think it’s so much better than the Mach 3 Turbo I’m already using to spring for the upgrade.
  • If you are skeeved out by the scratching sound the dentist makes on your teeth, DO NOT BUY THIS RAZOR. You will pass out, slam your head onto the sink, and pass out from blood loss before the EMTs can arrive. Don’t. Just don’t.
  • The +1 “back blade” is the dumbest damn idea. I was considering buying the Fusion, even after all my criticisms. Until yesterday, when during a normal shave I noticed that my ear lobe was bleeding. WTF? I managed to cut my ear open with THE FUCKING +1 BACK BLADE. Holy Jebus, won’t someone think of the children? Thank goodness I wasn’t trying to use the +1 blade instead, I would have cut off my ENTIRE FUCKING EAR. I threw the fucking cartridge right in the bin and held a swatch of toilet paper to my lobe for the next 15 minutes
    It looks like a scratch now, but I bled like a mofo.

Gillette Fusion, I ceremoniously cut away to
One out of five STFU mugs!

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3 Comments on "Is That You, Van Gogh? Or, Gillette Fusion Review"

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  1. cymwyd says:

    Are you sure you meant Picasso? Your experience sounded more Van Gogh 😉

  2. drfaulken says:

    Yeah — this whole post is messed up. It was supposed to post tomorrow, and I had corrected the artist mix-up in Semagic, the tool I use to compose all of my posts. For some reason it posted today, with the uncorrected title.

  3. Benjamin says:

    I just did a Google search for “Gilette Fusion ‘cut my ear'” and found your blog. Yesterday when I got to work and saw myself in the mirror of the gents, I noticed that my ear was covered in dry blood. I mopped it up and knocked some clotted blood away from the top of the ear lobe which then started to bleed pretty heavily.

    I presumed I had cut myself shaving in the shower that morning and scolded myself for not looking in the mirror before I left the house.

    Well this morning I cut the other ear lobe and considered myself to be an absolute moron as I left the house once again with blood on my ear. I just couldn’t work out how I could cut both ear lobes open in two days.

    This afternoon I worked it out… those bloody genii at Gilette have stuck a sixth(!) blade on the back of the razor “for precision trimming”. Which quite literally adds injury to the insult of forking out fourteen quid on eight blades.