A far flung Internet acquaintance of mine committed suicide last month. He was a member of one of the training groups to which I belong, and while I never met him personally he was well known and liked by the community.
To paraphrase something I read : when someone dies, the burdens they carried do not disappear. The burdens move onto the shoulders of those around them.
The rest of us move through life. The world does not stop, although a part of me is frozen in time. I recall with absolute clarity the phone call I got from my mother, the terror in her voice. I remember calling my father, and the distant regret in his voice. Time lurched forward, and my life changed in many, many ways. But that day carved a hole in my heart that may never be filled.
Today marks the fourteenth year of my sister’s passing. At this point I rarely remember the times we shared, but instead consider all of the things that she missed. I think part of it is the erosion of memories over time. I think a bigger part of it is the emotional seesaw of being so happy with my life and then so sad she is not here to participate.
I love you, Sue. For as long as I live. I am grateful for our time together, and the wisdom you passed on to me. I hope that I am strong enough to carry my burdens, and still have room to help the people I love when their shoulders get tired.
Like Sedative?… You would have loved her.
And her boys… You’d love them, too.
I am sorry I didn’t do that for you.