In an effort to expand my collection of board games that look really cool but we never actually play, I purchased Monsters Menace America from Tanga.com in December of 2006. It so intrigued my friends that I’ve only played it three times so far. I kept trying to push it on them, but they wanted to play Settlers of Catan, Pecking Order, Magic: the Gathering, or any host of other games. Even Hoity Toity got a nod over MmA.

Sometimes life tries to give you omens and portents. STAY AWAY FROM THIS GAME, PLAY SOME OTHER SHITTY GAME INSTEAD!! But most times, I just don’t listen.

http://gallery.drfaulken.com/d/4257-2/IMG_7509.JPG

Here’s the game board, and it really shows the best part of the game: all of the cool ass monsters and military pieces. There are different monsters, all with different attributes. Each player also controls a branch of the military (except for the National Guard, which is shared by all players). Each branch of the military has different attributes and units, too.

Protip: military units are mostly worthless. They are very weak compared to the monsters — and that’s okay, from a thematic standpoint. You can’t deploy more than one military unit per base per turn, so that means you have to spend a lot of turns clustering your guys together so that they stand a chance against a giant floating eyeball. The problem with this strategy is that the giant floating eyeball just fucked up New York City and gained up to 18 life … and your units only do one to two points of damage apiece. Talk about pissing upwind.

The object of the game is to battle other monsters to the death and win the Monster Challenge. 90% of the game is played before the Monster Challenge. Monsters can’t fight each other, and move around America stomping on major cities, military bases, and famous places/attractions. You earn life by stomping on cities, keep other players from deploying as many units by stomping military bases, and earn “Infamy” points by stomping attractions. Each Infamy token is good for an extra attack.

Monsters may mutate by traveling to special sites on the board. The monster’s controller draws a mutation card and immediate plays it face up. Most mutations are lame, such as being able to swim in the very small number of water spaces on the board. Some are devastating, such as doing an extra point of damage for each attack, or rolling an extra attack every time you roll a 6 during combat.

You can also draw military technology cards, and again the cards range from yawn-inducing (units move one extra space) to “wow, the humans have a chance” with cards like the X-Fighter, which are bad ass superjets.

The game lasts about an hour to an hour and a half. Like I said earlier, most of the game is spent dicking around the board collecting life, mutation, and tech cards. The Monster Challenge begins when the last “stomp” token is used on a site. After slow-balling it for an hour, the Monster Challenge is a tweaked-out dice roll extravaganza. The first monster gets to use all of their attacks first — three by default, with as many Infamy tokens as they want to spend. Most times the opposing monster was so rattled by this initial barrage that they couldn’t come back. In a multiplayer game, whomever got challenged first had their ass handed to them.

The game has absolutely no strategy at this point and it’s just a matter of who can roll a 4 or higher.

If I were to ever play this game again, here are things I would change:

  1. You may deploy as many of your units as legally allowed after turn one.
  2. Cities only give hit points of health, not hit dice worth of health.
  3. Something about the Monster Challenge has to change. It’s just too boring right now. I’m not sure what the change would be, but it makes for a very droll ending.
  4. Get rid of Infamy tokens. I can’t really think of a way to keep them in the game without them giving whomever goes first a significant edge.

Monsters Menace America is the quintessential “American-style” board game. It has lots of moving parts, confusing and unnecessarily complicated rules, but little to no strategy. It is in stark contrast to a “European-style” board game like Settlers that has few pieces, few rules, but lots of strategy and a very robust “meta-game,” where who you are playing with is just as important as the game you’re playing.

http://gallery.drfaulken.com/d/4254-2/IMG_7507.JPG

I should have followed this guy’s example and surrendered on turn one.

My buddy ndpants said it best, “I want to find out who made this game, go to their house, and make them tell me why they made such a shitty game.” Monsters Menace America is a clever idea that collapses under its own weight at the end.

I’d pass on Monsters Menace America, even at the $15 shipped price I paid from Tanga. Yeah, it’s a cheap game, but why would you play this when there are other, better, choices in your gaming stable?

Share