By July 7, 2006

NO SPOILERS: Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest Review

There are no spoilers in this review, just my opinion of the movie and the verdict using The Patented DrFaulken Movie Prediction Systemâ„¢

The Patented DrFaulken Movie Prediction Systemâ„¢
For those of you who haven’t been to a movie in the theater with me yet, I have a very trusted and accurate system for judging if the film will be good or not. I follow the previews before the film. I award one point for a good trailer. I deduct one point for a trailer for a movie that I wouldn’t want to see, or runs counter to the movie’s genre. For example, seeing a trailer for Pride & Prejudice before Alien vs. Predator is minus one point. By the way, the MPS properly determined that AvP would be utter shit.

A recap of the Pirates II trailers:

  • Transformers teaser:
    Even though I saw the teaser online, it was pretty fucking good on the big screen. Sound effects were nice, and I can’t believe I have to wait almost a year for this to come out. A trailer for an action movie before an action movie. +1 point
  • Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby:
    I have been rolling my eyes at the idea of this movie ever since I heard of it. The trailer proved me wrong, it might actually be funny. The whacky humor of the film seemed to match the tone of the first Pirates. Begrudgingly, +1 point
  • Invincible:
    Marky Mark stars as a bartender who tries out for the Philadelphia Eagles in the 70s. Based on a true story. A true story of lame cinema. -1 point
  • The Guardian:
    Kevin Costner and Ashton Kutcher play Coast Guard emergency rescuers. Costner saves 200 lives in his career, winds up teaching the next-gen of Coasties. A trailer for a drama film before my action movie? Big wankfest. -1 point

Oh shit — final overall score: 0. Just like in AD&D, true neutral is a potential, but boring, possibility. And that pretty much sums up Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest.

I repeatedly thought two things as the movie played: “this really epic,” and “when the fuck is this going to end?” The film had twice the amount of special effects and “holy shit” moments of the original; it also had one-half the wit and charm. Did fucking George Lucas write this joint? There were tons of unnecessary recycled characters from the first film in Pirates 2 — it was like seeing C3PO and Chewbacca for no apparent reason in Episodes 1 – 3. All I needed was an Ewok with a fucking eyepatch for the movie to be complete.

I try not to tell my friends if I like a movie or not, but give them a sliding scale on when they should see it:

  • Pay full price at the theater.
  • See the matinee.
  • Rent it.
  • TiVo it.
  • Don’t see it. Don’t even let your worst enemy see it.

The movie dragged on an agonizing 2 hours and 25 minutes, not including the previews and pre-preview ads. Configuratrix, take your earplugs, this mother’s loud. If you really liked the original Pirates, I’d say, “See the matinee.” If you were indifferent about Pirates, it’s going to be just as enjoyable in the comfort of your own home.

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1 Comment on "NO SPOILERS: Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest Review"

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  1. Ed says:

    If it had an ewok with an eye patch, I think you would be forced to put it up to Pay full price to see. I mean, EWOK PIRATES!!!!