By August 22, 2006

NO SPOILERS: Snakes On a Plane

There are no spoilers in this review, just my opinion of the movie and the verdict using The Patented DrFaulken Movie Prediction System™

The Patented DrFaulken Movie Prediction System™
For those of you who haven’t been to a movie in the theater with me yet, I have a very trusted and accurate system for judging if the film will be good or not. I follow the previews before the film. I award one point for a good trailer. I deduct one point for a trailer for a movie that I wouldn’t want to see, or runs counter to the movie’s genre. For example, seeing a trailer for Pride & Prejudice before Alien vs. Predator is minus one point. By the way, the MPS properly determined that AvP would be utter shit.

A recap of the Snakes On a Plane trailers:

  • The Covenant
    An emo Lost Boys for the new generation. Flashy editing and some pretty sweet special effects won’t save this movie about four baby-faced teenage descendants squaring off against an outcast member of their magical covenant. -1 point.
  • Crank
    Jason Statham combines his previous role in the Transporter with a plot device from the Speed movies. His character has been poisoned, and he’ll die if his adrenaline goes below a certain level. I’m definitely going to Netflix this one. +1 point.
  • Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning
    Are you fucking kidding me? Enough with this shit already. -1 point.
  • Tenacious D and the Pick of Destiny
    I wanted to stuff a highly aggressive venomous snake in my pants so I wouldn’t have to endure the rest of this fucking trailer. -1 point

Trailer total: -2. Oh shit, we’re in trouble.

Luckily for us, Snakes On a Plane was the first movie that defies The Patented DrFaulken Movie Prediction System™. We laughed our motherfucking balls off in the motherfucking theater. We even jumped a few times.

I try not to tell my friends if I like a movie or not, but give them a sliding scale on when they should see it:

  • Pay full price at the theater.
  • See the matinee.
  • Rent it.
  • TiVo it.
  • Don’t see it. Don’t even let your worst enemy see it.

If you liked movies like Shawn of the Dead, Dead Alive, or the Rundown, you will probably love Snakes On a Plane. I would definitely say Pay full price, except like the original Predator and Shawn of the Dead, this movie is best seen with a large, interactive audience. Unfortunately, there were only six people in our 8:00 showing, so I think a jammed theater is out of the question. My recommendation: see the matinee.

Snakes On a Plane has a lot of graphic violence and is loud, so if you find yourself covering your eyes and ears a lot in the theater, you will want to Rent It.

Posted in: movies, review

3 Comments on "NO SPOILERS: Snakes On a Plane"

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  1. Ed says:

    And now you see why I pay attention to the toilette when pissing…

    J and I were in a packed theater to watch. It was pretty good, everyone laughing and enjoying. The females particularly laughed at the above scene that I alluded to.

  2. Markie says:

    Caught the movie this weekend. It lived up to its title and was enjoyed for what it was. And with Samuel Jackson, it has some happy lines that were written specifically for him.

    This is in the low budget realm of another film “slither” from earlier in the summer, a basic little matinee flick, need more of them I think…

  3. Jenny Pallen says:

    U HAVE to see CRANK in the theater. Yes. Yes. I was shocked. Saw it at a pre-screening with my boyfriend, and I’ve been waiting for it to open ever since. The Transporter guy was awesome (and quite hot I might add). This is his best movie. There will be no arguments about it. Amy Smart does something in Chinatown that WILL go down in history. And Pedro from Napolean is in it, but he’s SO different. The final fight – OH MY GOD. Really.