By August 18, 2005

OK fuck it, we’re done watching Battlestar Galactica

After grinding through eleven episodes of season 1, Lady Jaye and I just can’t take Battlestar Galactica any more. The miniseries was fucking k-rad, I watched it awhile ago while Lady Jaye was at work; we watched it again together about a week ago. I loved it, and so did she.

So thanks to the power of the Internet, I downloaded all of the season 1 episodes and all of the (as yet aired) season 2 episodes. We watched the first few, and it was interesting to see the internal struggles the Galactica had to deal with. Not only did they have to jump away from the Cylons every 33 minutes, but also had to deal with a ship full of prisoners. Not bad, and the whole “Cylons look like us now” bit was interesting, if only to heighten the already fucked up level of paranoia from being the last 50,000 people out of billions on 12 colonies.

But by “Litmus,” episode six, Lady Jaye and I were wondering aloud when they storyline would move away from “OMG YOU ARE A CYLONZZOR” to beating the shit out of some tin-can ass. Even our dog Peapod got swept up in the mindplay, screeching “OMG YOU ARE A CYLONZZOR” at the top of his lungs whenever we told him that he couldn’t dig in the trash or have a bite of our grilled chicken, ham, and swiss cheese sammiches. But seriously, when do we get to see some bad ass space battles, or even a bunch of Colonial marines blowing holes in some Cylon centurions?

Well, let me tell you, in case you haven’t seen the new Battlestar Galactica yet. YOU DON’T. There’s more political intrigue, more manipulations of Dr. Gaius by the maybe-a-figment maybe-Cylon-wireless sexy Cylon bitch “#6,” some more political intrigue, some paranoia-induced backstabbing, and yeah, some more intrigue.

“But DrFaulken, surely there must have been some Cylon asswhupping in there somewhere. How much Cylon asswhupping has transpired in the 11 episodes you have dedicated approximately 484 minutes of your life to watching?”

Well, funny you asked. Not including the now-living Raiders (wtf happened to just putting three Cylons in there? I guess that didn’t make much sense in the original, either) getting blown up during the three or four space battles, I think, maybe, NINE. Let’s recount:

1) We assume #6 dies in the nuking of Caprica.
2) The crazy ass Cylon that Adama beat to death with a flashlight (shit that was badass).
3) The human-looking Cylon press corps geek that was left on the munitions depot.
4) Helo blows up two Cylons with a mine while evading them in a forest. I like how they stood there until the mine went off, but we cheered anyway.
5) Faker Boomer’s copy on Caprica gats a copy of #6.
6) Helo jacks a Cylon in the restaurant/bomb shelter.
7) Helo shoots another Cylon in the parking garage when he helps Fake Boomer on Caprica (now referred to as FBOC).
8) A copy of that crazy ass Cylon that Adama beat to death with a flashlight (shit that was badass) is discovered on board another ship. They blow his ass out of the airlock. We presume he dies.
9) FBOC shoots herself (long story, another fucking copy).

I think that’s it. So, to recap, in 484 minutes, we’ve seen a Cylon get jacked every 54 minutes. That’s less than once per episode, and thanks to Helo blowing up two in one episode he fucked up the bell curve. Nice work, strongman. I would also like to tell the class you’re the only person that I can remember that has killed a NON HUMAN LOOKING CYLON. For frak’s sake. In fact, in the last episode the only person/bot to get killed was a political revolutionary, and that was, you guessed it, the result of political intrigue. For FUCK’S SAKE, BLOW SOMETHING UP!!

So, I cheated. I looked ahead and read the four-sentence episode summaries for the last two episodes for Season 1 as well as the summaries for Season 2. Snoozers. More political intrigue, more Galactica running low on supplies and sanity, and hardly mention of Cylon asswhupping.

Lady Jaye and I decided to bag it — we’re not watching any more of them.

At least, not tonight. 😉

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