Almost a year ago I wrote about giant mutant beetles (okay okay, they’re Hardwood Stump borers) that had surfaced in our yard. I killed another one of them this year already, so I know they’re around. At the time, we figured as long as they stayed outside they were harmless. It turns out that their incursions may have resulted in one of our oaks contracting slime flux.


Lady Jaye reported that the trunk of our tree was oozing some sort of pus, and that it smelled like stale beer. Not being much of a drinker (at all), and having a shoddy sense of smell, I didn’t detect the same odor she did. Lady Jaye did some research and discovered that when trees suffer a massive injury or invasive attacks (such as boring), they secrete sap. Sometimes the tree is able to heal itself, and everything is fine. Other times, the sap becomes infected with bacteria, and the sap ferments. Hence the stale beer smell. Even though I couldn’t smell it, being around the tree was a little repulsive. The four pus-filled areas around the base of the tree oozed, hissed, and bubbled. When Lady Jaye went outside to take the pictures for this piece, one of the canker-like sores spurted pus at her. Fucking trees. I still think we should have cut them all down, but in the meantime we were determined to save this one.

The best recommendation we could find online was to mix a cup of bleach with a gallon of hot water and then douse the affected areas with the solution. The bleach is supposed to kill the bacteria causing the infection within the tree. I definitely smelled the bleach as we took turns pouring it directly onto the oozing sores. There was a lot more bubbling and popping after we poured the bleach on. The fermented sap had attracted various bugs, and the bleach took care of them also. According to what we could find, the insects themselves are interested in the sap, not the tree, so they shouldn’t hurt the tree itself. However, I’d rather discourage any more of those stump bitches from coming back if we can.

We are not sure if our treatment will save our tree or not. Colorado State University suggests that there is no known “cure” for slime flux. The infected area can exert as much as sixty pounds of pressure per square inch, causing cracks in the tree that allow for further flux infection. Aside from the “don’t mess with our trees, yo” defensiveness, the oak tree is very close to our house, and would certainly smash the shit out of it should it die and fall towards us. If the symptoms don’t clear up within a week, I’m going to call our county extension office and see what they can do about it. I might give the sores another dose of bleach today just for good measure.

Mr. Oakpants had one too many at the local pub.