By October 23, 2005

Shhh, it’s the red eye

Warning! A rant will follow.

I fly from Virginia to California once a month as part of my job. It’s a long flight, and being that RIC is not that large of an airport I have to take a connecting flight each direction. In order to work a full day on Friday, I take the redeye back to Virginia — I leave California at 10:45PM and arrive in my connection on the east coast between 6AM and 7AM.

I count on getting sleep on the flight over. After all, it’s late at night, no matter what time zone you’re used to living in. The lights are off inside the plane, and they don’t show in-flight movies on the red eye.

However, I’ve noticed a disturbing trend my last two trips out to California. Since the red eye is cheap, a lot of dumbfucks with their infants are taking the late-night flights. If your child is over two years old, you have to buy it its own seat. At around $300 or $400 a pop, I can understand wanting to save a few bucks. But for fuck’s sake, keep a piece of duct tape handy and slap it over your kid’s mouth.

The last trip I had out to California featured a plague-ridden toddler who alternated between coughing, snarfling snot, and crying the entire five hour leg to my east-coast connection. I thought that was bad, and joked with my colleagues in California that it couldn’t possibly be worse.

Of course, this wouldn’t even be a goddamn journal entry if things went better. This time, instead of one sickly bastard, I was treated to three ankle biters engaged in what can only be described as a crying contest. All of the contestants were under the age of four, and they competed admirably for longest wail, highest shrill, and most pitiful muh-huh-muh-huh-muh-waahahhh. Two of the kids were adoptees from China, flying in with their bigheaded American adoptive parents, too busy patting themselves on the back to anyone who would listen to realize their nits were crying for five consecutive hours. The third contestant, a little blonde headed boy, sniveled and cried so much that when his father would walk him up and down the aisle to shut him up, a fellow passenger clapped.

I know kids are expensive. I know flying is expensive. If the difference between you flying your illegitimate loinspawn and staying at home comes down to the $80 savings on a late night airfare, then perhaps you shouldn’t be having or adopting children. Shut them up. Your kids aren’t going to amount to shit if they don’t have any discipline in their lives, and being allowed to cry for five hours so that no one else on board can sleep is not the golden path to structured living.

Gotta say this, this might be the last red eye I take back. Being unable to get more than an hour of sleep for two consecutive flights is a real pain in the ass, especially when all I want to do when I get home is play with Lady Jaye and Porter.

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