Snap. My flimsy sponge holder snapped at an arm, rendering it into a $2 suction-cup-and-plastic piece of garbage. Oh well. I was headed to Target anyway.

Target, in an effort to distance themselves from Wal*Mart as a “bargain” store, refuses to carry any sponge holders at less than $7. I know, because I bought the cheapest one I could find. I didn’t want a stainless steel sponge holder, or a combo dish drying rack plus sponge holder plus time machine.

The KitchenAid holder I bought spoke to my consumer emotions. It was more than $2, so it had to be good, right? It was made of thick plastic, so it had to be tough, right? And with giant, over-engineered suction cups it had to stick better than that $2 piece of shit I got at Wal*Mart, right?

That’s right. I got Jedi mind-tricked into buying a seven dollar piece of plastic to hold a sponge in my kitchen sink.
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I have owned some apparently very nice clad stainless steel cookware made by Cuisinart. I bought them on the advice of my (at the time) boss, who swore up and down that stainless steel was the best way to go. I shouldn’t have listened him, about the pots and pans or about buying a home, as the cookware proved a pain in the ass for day to day cooking, and he laid every last one of us off four months later.

I spent a pretty penny back then. The Cuisinart set was great at conducting uniform heat, but sucked as far as stuff sticking to the pan. I had to use a fair amount of oil or butter to keep even simple things from adhering to the surface like a mother of nine to her welfare check. Sure, the pots looked pro but the burnt remains of food did not.

I wanted something different, something non-stick, and most importantly, something cheap. I asked Starbuck for help in picking something out. She’s my go-to-gal for anything cooking related. She thumbed through some of her cooking magazine back issues and scoured a few culinary Web sites. She sent me links to a few sets, and I finally decided on the Wearever hard anodized non-stick cookware set.
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Nothing like a new car to jumpstart the desire to keep things clean again. I have a kit in the hatch of my MazdaSPEED 3 with a quick auto detailer spray, an interior cleaner spray, two microfiber cleaning cloths, a wheel cleaner spray, a tire cleaner foam, and a dash duster. So, we have the exterior and the dash covered, but what about when I chow down on two “sausage” biscuits from McDonald’s while I am on the road? The biscuits are yum, but they get crumbs everywhere. I wanted a portable vacuum that would allow me to keep the carpet clean while I was away from home.

For $10 before shipping, the ReadiVac 36104 seemed to fit the bill. Even if it was junk, there aren’t a lot of items I can pick up for ten bucks and review for Gibberish. :)
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Sometimes I’ll buy something and will have to wait for the right time to review it. The Bissel Little Green Portable Deep Cleaner is a good example. I started thinking about buying a portable steam cleaner after I got Pearl. She had the shits off and on for her first month here, and after watching Lady Jaye spend nearly an hour get poo-spew out of the carpet I was like, “fuck this, I’m buying a steamer.” And then Pearl got better. Heh. I’ve used it a few times before I started this review, but I was waiting for some gnarly incident to happen. Luckily, Porter was willing to oblige by barfing up a nice present on my cream-colored carpet.
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Ever since seeing one (out of stock) on Adagio.com, I’ve been on the lookout for an adjustable temperature electric tea kettle. The idea of a mult-temperature kettle intrigued me because different drinks require different temperatures. 160 - 180F for white and green teas, 190F for Oolong tea, and 212F for black teas, herbal teas and coffee. The vast majority of electric kettles, especially in the US, are set for one temperature only, which is 212F. Not bad for when I drag out the French press, but way too hot for the white and greens I like to drink. I’ve had to resort to playing games such as listening to the sound of the water starting to boil, or the appearance of the bubbles on the inside of the pot. Most of the time, I don’t even care and just steep the tea in water that is too hot.

Unfortunately, Adagio’s UtiliTEA kettle has been out of stock since December of last year. The only reasons I could dig up were production and quality control issues. Not sure if either of those are correct; the important thing is that I’ve been on their auto-notify list for over eight months, every expected restock date has been pushed back. I thought I was screwed, and was about to write a rant here on Gibberish about it when I found out about the Upton Tea Imports variable temperature electric kettle.
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I’ve been a big fan of online tea purveyor Adagio.com for a long time. My first order with them was a green tea starter set in August 2005. I received a sixteen ounce IngenuiTEA teapot as part of the package. The IngenuiTEA is a very handy way to make loose-leaf tea in small quantities. You add two teaspoons at the bottom, fill the plastic container with water, and wait. When your tea is done steeping, you place the IngenuiTEA atop a mug and the tea drains out the bottom. Very awesome. My friend roclar did a review of his IngenuiTEA in October of 2006, which includes a video. I didn’t notice it at the time, but we own different versions of the personal teapot.
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Sometimes you get what you pay for. Sometimes you get more than you pay for. Sometimes you get much less.

Such has been my experience with Henckels knives. Introduced to this manufacturer of fine kitchen knives by my then-employer in Oregon, I picked up an eight-inch Henckels Twin Star Plus chef knife, to the tune of about $100. The Twin Star Plus had a very nice balance to it, plus a specially-coated edge that never needed sharpening. Seemed like a great deal at the time: a very good manufacturer, and a no-maintenance knife. The problem? The knife because dull in short order, and it is impossible to sharpen the special edge. The never-sharpen edge didn’t work.
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Check your mail. We’ve gotten some Bed, Bath and Beyond coupons for 20% off any item. Until recently, these coupons have excluded Dyson — but the last two we’ve gotten have no such restriction. If you’ve read about or seen me use my Dyson but have been unwilling to drop the scratch on one, here’s your chance to save around $100.

If you don’t have a coupon, let me know and I’ll send you mine.

I’m going to state up front that the outcome of this review may not make sense. I mean, less than they normally do. I’m going to rave about a product that I’ve replaced four times already, and will be willing to replace again.

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I love coffee. LOOOOVE coffee. If I could, I’d drink coffee all day. Unfortunately my trainer and body think it’s better for me to drink a lot of water, and not as much Blood of Life™.

I thought I’d put together a short guide on how I like to make coffee, along with some “optional” steps if you are trying to be extra fancy. My preferred method does involve some equipment that you may not have already, but trust me, it will be worth it. I have been spending time at Starbuck’s lately while I’m out on my bike. That shiz is expensive! If you just save your money you’d otherwise spend on a regular coffee or Americano-type drink then you should be able to afford most of this in short order.

Part One: The Coffee Maker
Coffee makers are fucking complicated these days. Internal water filters, different basket types, different heating elements, built-in grinder, built-in thermal carafes, timers, digital clocks, GPS, space-based laser guiding, holy shit. The best coffee maker I own was $39 from Target. The next best coffee maker I’ve ever owned was a $10 generic blue-box special I bought … also at Target. Hrm. Maybe someone at Target also likes coffee.

Regardless if you like your coffee machine plain white, stainless steel, robotic, demonic, hypnotic, whatever, your coffee machine must have a cone-shaped filter. This is an absolute must, as cone-shaped filters result in a more even brewing process. Basket-shaped filters will not fully and equally distribute enough water through the grounds, resulting in an inconsistent taste.

Another nice feature to have is a stainless steel heating element. My current coffee machine has this, and it brews the coffee at a higher temperature than conventional copper heating elements found in most coffee makers. The ideal brewing temperature of coffee is between 190 - 205 degrees F.

Part Two: Garbage In, Garbage Out
The water you put into your coffee machine is very important. Brewed coffee is 90% water, so if you are pulling water straight from your tap you’re going to get inconsistent-tasting coffee. Even if your tap water tastes “good,” it will have impurities that may influence each pot you throw. Well water is a great example of this — even though it tastes much better on average than tap water, it has all sorts of minerals in it. We use a conventional Brita filter here at the house, an idea system would be an in-counter ceramic reverse osmosis purifier. Regardless of the source, use cold water.

I always, always, always brew 10 cups of coffee. Don’t brew 4. Don’t brew 12. Brew 10. I measure out four level coffee scoops (that’s 8 tablespoons) per 10 cups of water, as indicated by the carafe. The worst thing you can do is fuck with your ratio of water to coffee. You may want to adjust the amount of coffee you put in the filter basket, based on if you like strong or weak coffee, or if you are brewing a dark or light roast, or depending on the bean variety. Stick with 10 cups of water always, at least one thing will be constant. Consistency is the key to good tasting coffee.

Part Three: Grind Like a Teenage Girl in Aruba
Grind your beans as close as you can before brewing. If you have leftover ground coffee, store it in an air-tight container out of direct sunlight. DO NOT store your coffee, in bean or ground form, in the freezer. The moisture in the coffee will freeze and your coffee will suffer. This is a common mistake.

Here’s where things can get expensive. Don’t use a traditional $10 - 20 “chopper” style coffee blender to grind your coffee. As explained in my Solis Maestro Plus coffee mill review, you need to own a conical burr grinder coffee mill to get a consistent grind. My Solis was about $150, however you can find lesser quality (but still serviceable) grinders from places like … Target. Hrm.

Part Four: Filters
This isn’t such a big deal, but I figured it was worth mentioning. I use the Earth-unfriendly bleached white paper filters. I have used unbleached filters in the past, and I have used filters made out of recycled baby diapers or whatever in the past also. I have also tried the metal-foil reusable filters. The metal filters suck, and I couldn’t tell the difference between the three types of paper filters, except for the slight taste of baby powder while using the recycled ones. Just kidding. We buy our filters in bulk from Costco. It’s like $5 for a hojillion. If you want to be a real coffee snob, pre-moisten your filter before adding the grounds. This way your machine doesn’t have to use water to wet the filter that would otherwise go towards brewing the coffee.

Part Five: Heat is the Enemy
The heat from the hot plate on your coffee maker begins to break down your lovingly-crafted brew immediately. As soon as possible, move your coffee to a glass-lined thermal carafe. The stainless steel versions suck. They won’t keep your coffee for hot nearly as long, and I swear I can taste the metal when coffee is stored inside a stainless steel carafe. The absolute worst vessel is plastic lined. Yuck.

Make sure you pre-heat your glass-lined carafe with hot water while your coffee is brewing. Otherwise you will cool your coffee as it heats up the inside of the carafe. Your coffee will also stay hotter longer if you pre-heat the carafe. The ideal temperature at which to drink coffee is between 170 and 180 degrees F. Lady Jaye likes her coffee cooler, but for me, the hotter the better.

The glass-lined coffee pot I own was a $10 Thermos brand job I bought at Target (holy shit, are they a cult?). I have permanently benched my two stainless steel restaurant-style carafes. I would only use those if company couldn’t be trusted to not break the glass inside the Thermos.

Whew, I guess that’s it. To summarize:

• Use a coffee machine with a cone-shaped filter.
• Always use cold, filtered/bottled water. Always use 10 cups of water.
• Mill your coffee from room-temperature beans using a conical burr mill as closely as you can to when you brew your coffee.
• Transfer the finished pot of coffee to a glass-lined thermal container as soon as possible.
• Try not to spill that shit on your crotch. It hurts. Trust me.