The results of my health assessment came back right before I left for my trip to Georgia. The results were mostly encouraging. My blood pressure was higher than I am used to (hello stressful life), but my glucose and other things I really care about were in acceptable ranges. There was one major problem: my HDL cholesterol was low. Like, really low. Dangerously low according to my results summary. So I made an appointment to see my doctor for a second opinion and test, and started researching ways to raise my “good” cholesterol.

There were a few things mentioned to increase HDL levels, but I was already doing most of them. Exercise, maintain a low weight, don’t smoke or drink, etc. One thing I wasn’t doing, however, was eating more vegetables. Green, leafy, non-meat product vegetables.

See, I like spinach and broccoli and Brussels sprouts and lettuce. The problem is I don’t like taking the time to eat them, especially when I could be eating something else, like a hamburger. I resolved to eat more salad, and started thinking about ways to increase my daily green leafy vegetable intake.

I remembered (fondly, actually) drinking wheat grass juice when I lived in Oregon. I would walk from work to one of the local grocery stores and they’d cut some grass out of a little tray and run it through a big ass juicing machine. It tasted how a freshly-cut lawn smells. Unfortunately there isn’t anything close like that to me, so I started poking around for an in-home alternative.

The concept of cultivating and producing wheat grass juice seemed like a big mess to me, so that led me to pre-juiced bottled product or powders. The bottled stuff was expensive and the potency questionable, so I asked about and heard good things about Vitamineral Green by Healthforce Nutritionals. Luckily, it was available via Amazon Prime and I was able to get it delivered for $45.50 second day air.

Well, here’s the no-bullshit story on this stuff. It tasted awful, especially at first. I did adjust to the taste after about two weeks, but it is ROUGH at first. The powder is a pain to mix down. If you’re going to try the Vitamineral Green I recommend putting a little bit of cold water in the bottom of a glass first, then the powder, then the rest of the way with water. Mix for twenty seconds with a spoon, and hold your breath when you drink it. You won’t notice the taste as much.

I didn’t notice any difference in my health until the third day. I had followed the instructions and started with one teaspoon of mix per day, trying to work my way up to a tablespoon. I was at work when I had a sudden urge to have “a sit down.” I excused myself and took a very loose and rapidly-deployed dump. I thought it might be the Vitamineral Green (there was a warning about this on the label, actually), but it could have been the bacon I had for lunch the day before. Before I flushed I noticed my, uh, bank deposits were green.

In the days that followed I determined it was the Vitamineral Green. My stomach would hurt for about half of the day until I released the hostages. My stool hardened up a bit, but everything was still green like St. Patrick’s Day.

By the second week something else started happening. I was having a hard time dropping a load. I drink about 64 ounces of water a day normally, so I increased my intake by another two to three twelve ounce glasses. No dice. I was caught in a vicious gastrointestinal combo: the Vitamineral Green hurt my crapfactory until I pooped, but I couldn’t poop due to the Vitamineral Green. I kept drinking more and more water, and I swear the last time I shat while on the VG it was a full on plant. I had to pee every thirty minutes, and it became difficult to sit through an entire one hour meeting at work without excusing myself. The final straw was when my manager was pissed at me last week and I had to get up in the middle of a meeting because I was afraid to miss my drop window.

After all of that, the Vitamineral Green didn’t make me feel better at all. I stopped drinking it last Saturday, and I haven’t noticed a difference at all. Well, except that I am back to shitting three times a day and things are back to their usual color.

Not recommended.